I wish there was a way to put others in my brain. To let others experience my nonstop worrying and self-criticism. I have no idea how to explain it to people who do not understand. They just tell me to stop thinking like that.

That would work only if I had any control over my thoughts, which I definitely do not. I can not control how many times my brain tells me that I have forgotten something or that someone doesn’t like me. I can tell myself a hundred times and it will barely make a difference. Talking to myself in my head doesn’t work at all so I talk out loud to myself to try and calm my thoughts down. Sometimes it does work. These thoughts that I have are intrusive thoughts and I live with them every day.

If you were to see me out in person, you would barely notice me, I am very quiet, and not very involved in anything, I may even seem calm. If I was with friends, I might be laughing and joking with them. I would look happy and fairly normal. In my head though, it is a mess of different thoughts running through. The list that follows is a list of things that may run through my head:

• What I’m doing later
• Am I being annoying
• Am I talking to much
• Am I imitating my friends
• Do my friends really like me
• Do they secretly hate me
• Am I being obnoxious
• What if we go get food
• Where will we go for food
• What will I order
• Will I have to order myself
• Am I being a burden on my friends
• Am I too needy
• What if I need to go to the washroom
• Will they be annoyed by the fact that I need someone to bring me to the washroom
• What if they leave while I’m in the washroom
• What if I lose them
• What will I do if I can’t find them
• Do they want me to sit with them
• Do they want me to leave
• How am I getting home
• What if we are late for the movie
• What if they want to do something out of my comfort zone
• What if I have a panic attack
• Are they faking being my friend because they feel sorry for me
• Do they actually care about me

My natural speaking voice is in the middle range for a woman which makes sense as I am a woman. However, anytime that I talk to a stranger or I feel anxious talking to someone, my voice goes up a full octave.

The first time I noticed this was when I was trick or treating with my friends in grade six. Anytime we went up to a house, I would always say “trick or treat” in a squeaky voice. I would also say “thank you” in an even higher voice somehow. My friends noticed right away and questioned me as to why I turned into a mouse when I talked to strangers. I did not know how to answer then and I still don’t know how to answer.

I have tried to be more aware of the pitch of my voice when talking to strangers but most times, I don’t even realize that my voice went high until after the fact when I start talking normally again.