I wish there was a way to put others in my brain. To let others experience my nonstop worrying and self-criticism. I have no idea how to explain it to people who do not understand. They just tell me to stop thinking like that.

That would work only if I had any control over my thoughts, which I definitely do not. I can not control how many times my brain tells me that I have forgotten something or that someone doesn’t like me. I can tell myself a hundred times and it will barely make a difference. Talking to myself in my head doesn’t work at all so I talk out loud to myself to try and calm my thoughts down. Sometimes it does work. These thoughts that I have are intrusive thoughts and I live with them every day.

If you were to see me out in person, you would barely notice me, I am very quiet, and not very involved in anything, I may even seem calm. If I was with friends, I might be laughing and joking with them. I would look happy and fairly normal. In my head though, it is a mess of different thoughts running through. The list that follows is a list of things that may run through my head:

  • What I’m doing later
  • Am I being annoying
  • Am I talking to much
  • Am I imitating my friends
  • Do my friends really like me
  • Do they secretly hate me
  • Am I being obnoxious
  • What if we go get food
  • Where will we go for food
  • What will I order
  • Will I have to order myself
  • Am I being a burden on my friends
  • Am I too needy
  • What if I need to go to the washroom
  • Will they be annoyed by the fact that I need someone to bring me to the washroom
  • What if they leave while I’m in the washroom
  • What if I lose them
  • What will I do if I can’t find them
  • Do they want me to sit with them
  • Do they want me to leave
  • How am I getting home
  • What if we are late for the movie
  • What if they want to do something out of my comfort zone
  • What if I have a panic attack
  • Are they faking being my friend because they feel sorry for me
  • Do they actually care about me

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